Gratitude

I really am a truly lucky person.  Evidence for the following:

1) Although I bitch and moan about graduate school, I have an exceptional PI.  Case in point: On Monday, I gave a (admittedly somewhat unexpected*) paper presentation at lab meeting.  Despite having never head of the research group in question and having no personal stake in their success or failure, I proceeded to get extremely attached to the paper.  Unfortunately for me, it turned out to be a relatively unconvincing paper.  Out of said attachment and embarrassment at having failed to see its (now obvious) inadequacy.  I proceeded to defend the paper like it was my senior thesis.  When this failed, I am somewhat ashamed to say that I turned to slouching in my chair, crossing my arms and apparently, looking extremely pissed off.  I know this because after the presentation, my PI came to me solely to say that the group's critique of my paper was in no way a personal indictment.  BLUSH.  Urgh.  But I did appreciate hearing that.  And I do find our lab's journal clubs to be extremely interesting and helpful. 

*I swapped spots with the postdoc to present a paper in October, but then the postdoc left, making it a swap no longer.  Spitting in the face of logic, whatever part of my brain dislikes journal presentations decided that clearly, I was not scheduled to go again until next semester.  Saturday night, Intaglio was getting his Halo on with MJ, one of my labmates.  Out of nowhere, I suddenly got an uneasy feeling and over the hail of bullets, asked Intaglio to ask MJ whether or not I was scheduled anytime soon.  I was.  In two days.  Whoo.  I was pretty decidedly unthrilled.

2) Officially cancer free!  The mole was dysplastic, not malignant, but they managed to get all of it off in one blow.  I will have to go get yearly skin checks, but hey, that's fine by me.  Finally, I can be free of all the queasy images of metastatic melanoma infiltrating brain tissue...at least for a little while.

3) Relatively slow week in the lab-after some drama with the AHIU SDYFDIUHGD!T@$#&*^%#!!! flow machine, my PI said that I could stick to ELISAs for the time being until we get the technical glitches worked out.  More than fine by me.  I'm making today and tomorrow a reading/writing day...so far I've cobbled together my epidemiology group's final presentation.  After that, I'll work on my individual epidemiology project (1000 words, let's see how fast I can write the motherfucker up!), my PowerPoint ethics presentation next week, and my research article/abstract for mid-December (really, just the abstract is due, but it's uniquely hard to write an abstract if the rest of the paper is AWOL).

4) While I still undoubtedly waste too much time on the internet, I'm starting to slip back into healthy, relaxing habits.  I've run a bit each morning this week (only 3-4 miles, I'll re-up the distance slowly).  I'm getting back into reading for pleasure--I'm working through a book of Barbara Kingsolver essays, and after that I'm going to get started on John Dies at the End, which apparently is some kind of modern cult classic soon to be a movie apocalyptical something.  And writing.  Not fiction, but honestly, I do like writing papers.  Last week, when I was cramming to get some semblance of a draft together before a meeting on Friday (which has to be completely re-written, incidentally), I found myself surprised to be enjoying it.  Happy to be back in the third floor of Ebling, happy to be cobbling together something that had meaning, happy to be picking through sources, happy to be involved in something that I could make really, really good with only editing and research.
That's the thing about grad school right now--I feel that I try, I put in effort, I try to make it really, really good--and then I screw up in some non-obvious way, make a rookie mistake that I've never made before, or things just go to shit for no reason whatsoever.  I have full agency when I write.  I appreciate that.

5) So much more: My sister (IL-RN, now!) working full-time at a well-paying job she enjoys, a closely knit MSTPosse, RuPaul's Drag Race Allstars and the fact that Chad Michaels won, the fact that Gardein protein tastes so much like meat, the fact that I have an amazing partner who sticks with me thick and thin even as I'm fretting unproductively about weight, life goals, money, committment, etc., the fact that my parents are happy and in good health.

Life is good.  I need to seek out the small bits of happiness available in almost everything