Things I did for the first time this year:
-Visited the West Coast (Seattle and its surrounding areas for Intaglio's brother's wedding)
-Took Step 1
-Did a mini-rotation in the hospital
-Started graduate school
-Spent Christmas without my family here in Madison
-Settled into cohabitation
-This would be as good a space as any to mention the fact that Intaglio and I got engaged over Christmas
-Voted in a presidential election
Accomplishments that made me proud:
-Passed Step 1
-Ran a half-marathon
-Maintained a good GPA the first semester of grad school
-Taking better care of my physical health: Exercise, vitamins, flossing, skin cancer screenings...it's like I'm an adult or something.
Things I learned this year:
-Exercise does wonders for my mental health.
-So does RuPaul's Drag Race.
-Keeping a good lab notebook is both essential and not too taxing.
(I harp on the notebook a lot, but it's been a thorn in my side, as I've alluded to in the past. Even now, it's far from ideal. I'll think I've written down everything I possibly could, and then a week later I'll try to repeat the experiment and realize that, you know, I didn't write down how much LPS I added per well or something infuriating.)
-Reading for pleasure is both a delight and a necessity
-I am not a social butterfly, but I need to be around people. The friends I've made during the course of the MSTP have become more important to me than I could ever imagine.
-"Collect data today like your machine will break tomorrow."
Things I have learned, but am slow to act on:
-Sugar is not good for me. It causes horrible mood swings and depression the following day. Regardless of whether or not this is psychosomatic (and yes, it likely is), my life is simpler when it's removed or heavily restricted.
-It's very easy for me to get sucked into repetitive internet surfing. Checking facebook every four minutes, that sort of thing.
-One must do the thing that is frightening. I've been dragging my feet finding a preceptor for the shadowing program during my PhD years, because I'm afraid of my PI's response, time constraints, research constraints, etc. None of my reluctance changes the fact that I need to find one, and soon. I'm just making it harder on myself.
-Change is most effective in incremental bits. Write this paper for an hour a day! Exercise every morning! Take notes on M3/M4 stuff so you don't lose it all before you re-enter med school! One life coach, trying to motivate a woman to go to the gym, told her to put on her gym shoes every morning for a week. That was it. The next week, she exercised for five minutes after putting on the shoes. Change is much less aversive and much more sustainable when broken into small chunks, and yet I consistently try to dive in head-first.
Resolutions for 2012:
-Keep a gratitude journal (very Oprah-like, but I've found that it does tend to stabilize my mood)
-Eat one dessert a week. This will be the most challenging resolution, and the one I'm most likely to break. It goes against my last point about not diving in head-first, but as far as sugar is concerned, for me it's pretty much all or nothing.
-Lose 10 lbs, keep it off
-Keep the apartment tidy by not slipping into laziness: eg, washing dishes before the food dries on them, folding laundry right after it's done in the drier, disposing of junk mail immediately. Likewise, do homework <48 hours after it is assigned.
-Via the bit-by-bit approach, start writing every day.
-Figure out what my goals are. I don't really view resolutions as goals--they reflect my desire to stop falling short. In terms of longer-term goals that extend beyond "stop the self-sabotage"....I don't really have a clear picture yet. I'd like some goals.
Happy New Year's! Despite my somewhat melancholy-sounding introspection, it has been a great year, and I am hugely grateful for all that I got to experience and learn. Here's to a wonderful 2013!
Monday, December 31, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Week 52
One week left to 2012. I mope about research progressing slowly, so it takes me aback a bit to realize that it has been a pretty jam-packed year.
(Currently listening to the the Phantom of the Opera, the Original London Broadway Soundtrack, please. I used to listen to this 6-7 times a day from ages 8 to 11 or so. Not even joking. It is the surest track to nostalgic warm-fuzzies that I know, and plus, it's drowning out the god-awful 1930's holodex sim murder mystery starring the guy from Criminal Minds Intaglio is watching.)
(God, Michael Crawford is awesome. I don't care if he's in his 60's, having him in the movie instead of Gerard Butler would have redeemed the entire damn thing.)
Right now, I'm feeling a little stuck. Clutter-wise, weight-wise, health-wise, research-wise....well, actually, my PI decided that the last set of results was promising enough to advance. I've come to the conclusion that progression in research is 10% discovery and 90% executive PI decision. Note that I have no problem with this, so long as I am progressing!
It has been a strange couple of weeks. Sandy Hook shook me up a lot more than your average school shooting (awful to type, but true). And I realized that the uniqueness is due to the fact that in a half a year or so, should all forces smile upon us I'll be bound to Ingalio's gun-nutty family. There are a higher than average number of said nuts in Intaglio's family, the sort who, if pressed, would argue that yes, the second amendment is worth it. We need mental health screenings and more regulations, but yes, it is fundamental to our liberty.
Two points, and I'll keep them brief because I'm sick of screaming them impotently over the ether.
1) I agree that we need to beef up our mental health services. No argument. But I hate, hate, hate this being mentioned in the context of shootings. It drives a wedge between the attacker and ourselves. That poor soul, he was so troubled. He was crazy. He was an awful abberation.
No. He was not. In the right context, with the right opportunity, we could be him. Any one of us. The Standford Prison Experiment laid it out, pretty clearly. The real monsters, the ones that drive us to hurt and kill and hate and bloat up to obscene sizes on fat and sugar, are what got us here, the ones that made us a successful species. We are wired to eat. We are wired to fight and defend and kill. (I skimmed a study recently showing that our hands evolved to generate force effectively through punches.) The means to do so have never been so available, so when we inevitably slip, the ramifications are huge.
2) Fundamental to our liberty? Freedom from tyranny? Do you think the government is afraid of your pop-gun, little boy? Don't make me laugh. A standing army, nuclear weapons, state department labs, more than you or I will ever know. No. The only ones who fear your assault rifle are civilians.
Ugh. Anyway.
It's the last week of the year. In the name of starting fresh, I'm hoping to organize and de-clutter 1 or two problem spots every day until New Year's Eve, when I will ring in 2013 with a clean apartment, all debts paid off, and hopefully a similarly clear mental and physical state.
Monday: Pantry
Tuesday: Coat closet
Wednesday: Bedroom closet
Thursday: Under the bed
Friday: Clothes drawers
Saturday: Kitchen cabinets
Sunday: Shoe bench, bathroom
Monday: Dinner table (easiest for last)
Physically, ugh. Since the snowfall, I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that running outdoors is treacherous at best. I tried running on the treadmill at the gym, and after only 3.5 miles, my knee was causing excruciating pain, as it has when I've run on the treadmill at the past.
(Listening to Down Once More, staring Ramin Karimloo. Sorry, Ramin, but you're no M.C.)
Money has been tight this month, but I'm thinking a stationary bike would be a decent investment. Most of the good models are less than $200 on Amazon, and it might be enough to get me through the winter with no repetitive joint injuries.
Diet-wise, I'm still a mess, hovering 10 lbs above where I want to be. Free food remains my kryptonite, and there's an abundance of it this time of year.
Two successes I have to report: I've all but finished organizing my first lab notebook, and my pandemic/apocalypse/power outage kit is nearly complete.
Hopefully I'll have a little more insight on what I need to do to make 2013 a successful and enjoyable year for me and anyone who interacts with me by choice or necessity as the week goes by. On the whole, insight is probably my rarest and most prized commodity I'll do my best to scrounge some up.
(Gave up on M.C. knock-offs, listening to "Whistle" by Flo Rida. It has its place.)
(Currently listening to the the Phantom of the Opera, the Original London Broadway Soundtrack, please. I used to listen to this 6-7 times a day from ages 8 to 11 or so. Not even joking. It is the surest track to nostalgic warm-fuzzies that I know, and plus, it's drowning out the god-awful 1930's holodex sim murder mystery starring the guy from Criminal Minds Intaglio is watching.)
(God, Michael Crawford is awesome. I don't care if he's in his 60's, having him in the movie instead of Gerard Butler would have redeemed the entire damn thing.)
Right now, I'm feeling a little stuck. Clutter-wise, weight-wise, health-wise, research-wise....well, actually, my PI decided that the last set of results was promising enough to advance. I've come to the conclusion that progression in research is 10% discovery and 90% executive PI decision. Note that I have no problem with this, so long as I am progressing!
It has been a strange couple of weeks. Sandy Hook shook me up a lot more than your average school shooting (awful to type, but true). And I realized that the uniqueness is due to the fact that in a half a year or so, should all forces smile upon us I'll be bound to Ingalio's gun-nutty family. There are a higher than average number of said nuts in Intaglio's family, the sort who, if pressed, would argue that yes, the second amendment is worth it. We need mental health screenings and more regulations, but yes, it is fundamental to our liberty.
Two points, and I'll keep them brief because I'm sick of screaming them impotently over the ether.
1) I agree that we need to beef up our mental health services. No argument. But I hate, hate, hate this being mentioned in the context of shootings. It drives a wedge between the attacker and ourselves. That poor soul, he was so troubled. He was crazy. He was an awful abberation.
No. He was not. In the right context, with the right opportunity, we could be him. Any one of us. The Standford Prison Experiment laid it out, pretty clearly. The real monsters, the ones that drive us to hurt and kill and hate and bloat up to obscene sizes on fat and sugar, are what got us here, the ones that made us a successful species. We are wired to eat. We are wired to fight and defend and kill. (I skimmed a study recently showing that our hands evolved to generate force effectively through punches.) The means to do so have never been so available, so when we inevitably slip, the ramifications are huge.
2) Fundamental to our liberty? Freedom from tyranny? Do you think the government is afraid of your pop-gun, little boy? Don't make me laugh. A standing army, nuclear weapons, state department labs, more than you or I will ever know. No. The only ones who fear your assault rifle are civilians.
Ugh. Anyway.
It's the last week of the year. In the name of starting fresh, I'm hoping to organize and de-clutter 1 or two problem spots every day until New Year's Eve, when I will ring in 2013 with a clean apartment, all debts paid off, and hopefully a similarly clear mental and physical state.
Monday: Pantry
Tuesday: Coat closet
Wednesday: Bedroom closet
Thursday: Under the bed
Friday: Clothes drawers
Saturday: Kitchen cabinets
Sunday: Shoe bench, bathroom
Monday: Dinner table (easiest for last)
Physically, ugh. Since the snowfall, I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that running outdoors is treacherous at best. I tried running on the treadmill at the gym, and after only 3.5 miles, my knee was causing excruciating pain, as it has when I've run on the treadmill at the past.
(Listening to Down Once More, staring Ramin Karimloo. Sorry, Ramin, but you're no M.C.)
Money has been tight this month, but I'm thinking a stationary bike would be a decent investment. Most of the good models are less than $200 on Amazon, and it might be enough to get me through the winter with no repetitive joint injuries.
Diet-wise, I'm still a mess, hovering 10 lbs above where I want to be. Free food remains my kryptonite, and there's an abundance of it this time of year.
Two successes I have to report: I've all but finished organizing my first lab notebook, and my pandemic/apocalypse/power outage kit is nearly complete.
Hopefully I'll have a little more insight on what I need to do to make 2013 a successful and enjoyable year for me and anyone who interacts with me by choice or necessity as the week goes by. On the whole, insight is probably my rarest and most prized commodity I'll do my best to scrounge some up.
(Gave up on M.C. knock-offs, listening to "Whistle" by Flo Rida. It has its place.)
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Noted!
It is only upon writing a table of contents for your lab notebook that you can truly appreciate how much your lab notebook skills suck. Yeeeesh.
I have a fierce appreciation for a good lab notebook, the product of years of lab notebook incompetence. As a complete lab novice in undergrad, a well-meaning but distracted postdoc handed me a handsome blue hardcover book and informed me that this was my notebook. A notebook? For me? Why, thank you! I proceeded to take the worst notes of all time over the course of the summer. Really, it was my calculations and emotional ranting book. After a few months, the postdoc scolded me for my borderline illegible notes. I was (in my mind, justifiably) peeved. It was my notebook! Who cared if anyone else could read it? I could!
(I probably couldn't, not now, anyway. My rotation era notes were absolutely baffling to me this afternoon, and I'm doing very similar experiments then and now. Eeeesh. I really hope no one needed my notes for my undergrad thesis, because I'm certain they were not even a little bit better.)
We spent a class in one of my seminars going over how to keep a good lab notebook. The professor repeatedly apologized to us for being boring, but I was thrilled. THIS was what I needed, and had been lacking.
I'm not going to say that my lab notebook is perfect (it is still somewhat disorganized, and I often forget to write out the purpose and conclusions), but it's a work in progress and I'm proud that I've been able to evolve.
For anyone who is interested (probably very few), here are my personal Notebook Commandments. Yes, I did print out a copy and post it in my notebook.
1) Write in black ballpoint pen.
2) Start every experiment with a statement of objective, purpose, and plan.
3) Take notes on materials used (lot number, grade, sources: I am NOTORIOUSLY bad at this.)
4) Each repeat of an experiment should be written up separately, but you can refer back to previous ones if nothing has changed
5) State the conclusions
6) Record each experiment on consecutive pages (again, bad: it can be hard to predict how much space you'll need for an experiment, and I often do more than one experiment simultaneously)
7) Draw a single line through incorrect entries. Draw a single line through unused spaces and sign/date it. (This is so you can't fudge your notebook later with added data.)
8) Someone else should be able to follow your work.
9) Tape in all loose papers to your notebook.
10) Consider keeping a separate binder for supplemental materials and cross-referencing it as needed.
I have a fierce appreciation for a good lab notebook, the product of years of lab notebook incompetence. As a complete lab novice in undergrad, a well-meaning but distracted postdoc handed me a handsome blue hardcover book and informed me that this was my notebook. A notebook? For me? Why, thank you! I proceeded to take the worst notes of all time over the course of the summer. Really, it was my calculations and emotional ranting book. After a few months, the postdoc scolded me for my borderline illegible notes. I was (in my mind, justifiably) peeved. It was my notebook! Who cared if anyone else could read it? I could!
(I probably couldn't, not now, anyway. My rotation era notes were absolutely baffling to me this afternoon, and I'm doing very similar experiments then and now. Eeeesh. I really hope no one needed my notes for my undergrad thesis, because I'm certain they were not even a little bit better.)
We spent a class in one of my seminars going over how to keep a good lab notebook. The professor repeatedly apologized to us for being boring, but I was thrilled. THIS was what I needed, and had been lacking.
I'm not going to say that my lab notebook is perfect (it is still somewhat disorganized, and I often forget to write out the purpose and conclusions), but it's a work in progress and I'm proud that I've been able to evolve.
For anyone who is interested (probably very few), here are my personal Notebook Commandments. Yes, I did print out a copy and post it in my notebook.
1) Write in black ballpoint pen.
2) Start every experiment with a statement of objective, purpose, and plan.
3) Take notes on materials used (lot number, grade, sources: I am NOTORIOUSLY bad at this.)
4) Each repeat of an experiment should be written up separately, but you can refer back to previous ones if nothing has changed
5) State the conclusions
6) Record each experiment on consecutive pages (again, bad: it can be hard to predict how much space you'll need for an experiment, and I often do more than one experiment simultaneously)
7) Draw a single line through incorrect entries. Draw a single line through unused spaces and sign/date it. (This is so you can't fudge your notebook later with added data.)
8) Someone else should be able to follow your work.
9) Tape in all loose papers to your notebook.
10) Consider keeping a separate binder for supplemental materials and cross-referencing it as needed.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Gratitude
I really am a truly lucky person. Evidence for the following:
1) Although I bitch and moan about graduate school, I have an exceptional PI. Case in point: On Monday, I gave a (admittedly somewhat unexpected*) paper presentation at lab meeting. Despite having never head of the research group in question and having no personal stake in their success or failure, I proceeded to get extremely attached to the paper. Unfortunately for me, it turned out to be a relatively unconvincing paper. Out of said attachment and embarrassment at having failed to see its (now obvious) inadequacy. I proceeded to defend the paper like it was my senior thesis. When this failed, I am somewhat ashamed to say that I turned to slouching in my chair, crossing my arms and apparently, looking extremely pissed off. I know this because after the presentation, my PI came to me solely to say that the group's critique of my paper was in no way a personal indictment. BLUSH. Urgh. But I did appreciate hearing that. And I do find our lab's journal clubs to be extremely interesting and helpful.
*I swapped spots with the postdoc to present a paper in October, but then the postdoc left, making it a swap no longer. Spitting in the face of logic, whatever part of my brain dislikes journal presentations decided that clearly, I was not scheduled to go again until next semester. Saturday night, Intaglio was getting his Halo on with MJ, one of my labmates. Out of nowhere, I suddenly got an uneasy feeling and over the hail of bullets, asked Intaglio to ask MJ whether or not I was scheduled anytime soon. I was. In two days. Whoo. I was pretty decidedly unthrilled.
2) Officially cancer free! The mole was dysplastic, not malignant, but they managed to get all of it off in one blow. I will have to go get yearly skin checks, but hey, that's fine by me. Finally, I can be free of all the queasy images of metastatic melanoma infiltrating brain tissue...at least for a little while.
3) Relatively slow week in the lab-after some drama with the AHIU SDYFDIUHGD!T@$#&*^%#!!! flow machine, my PI said that I could stick to ELISAs for the time being until we get the technical glitches worked out. More than fine by me. I'm making today and tomorrow a reading/writing day...so far I've cobbled together my epidemiology group's final presentation. After that, I'll work on my individual epidemiology project (1000 words, let's see how fast I can write the motherfucker up!), my PowerPoint ethics presentation next week, and my research article/abstract for mid-December (really, just the abstract is due, but it's uniquely hard to write an abstract if the rest of the paper is AWOL).
4) While I still undoubtedly waste too much time on the internet, I'm starting to slip back into healthy, relaxing habits. I've run a bit each morning this week (only 3-4 miles, I'll re-up the distance slowly). I'm getting back into reading for pleasure--I'm working through a book of Barbara Kingsolver essays, and after that I'm going to get started on John Dies at the End, which apparently is some kind of modern cult classic soon to be a movie apocalyptical something. And writing. Not fiction, but honestly, I do like writing papers. Last week, when I was cramming to get some semblance of a draft together before a meeting on Friday (which has to be completely re-written, incidentally), I found myself surprised to be enjoying it. Happy to be back in the third floor of Ebling, happy to be cobbling together something that had meaning, happy to be picking through sources, happy to be involved in something that I could make really, really good with only editing and research.
That's the thing about grad school right now--I feel that I try, I put in effort, I try to make it really, really good--and then I screw up in some non-obvious way, make a rookie mistake that I've never made before, or things just go to shit for no reason whatsoever. I have full agency when I write. I appreciate that.
5) So much more: My sister (IL-RN, now!) working full-time at a well-paying job she enjoys, a closely knit MSTPosse, RuPaul's Drag Race Allstars and the fact that Chad Michaels won, the fact that Gardein protein tastes so much like meat, the fact that I have an amazing partner who sticks with me thick and thin even as I'm fretting unproductively about weight, life goals, money, committment, etc., the fact that my parents are happy and in good health.
Life is good. I need to seek out the small bits of happiness available in almost everything
1) Although I bitch and moan about graduate school, I have an exceptional PI. Case in point: On Monday, I gave a (admittedly somewhat unexpected*) paper presentation at lab meeting. Despite having never head of the research group in question and having no personal stake in their success or failure, I proceeded to get extremely attached to the paper. Unfortunately for me, it turned out to be a relatively unconvincing paper. Out of said attachment and embarrassment at having failed to see its (now obvious) inadequacy. I proceeded to defend the paper like it was my senior thesis. When this failed, I am somewhat ashamed to say that I turned to slouching in my chair, crossing my arms and apparently, looking extremely pissed off. I know this because after the presentation, my PI came to me solely to say that the group's critique of my paper was in no way a personal indictment. BLUSH. Urgh. But I did appreciate hearing that. And I do find our lab's journal clubs to be extremely interesting and helpful.
*I swapped spots with the postdoc to present a paper in October, but then the postdoc left, making it a swap no longer. Spitting in the face of logic, whatever part of my brain dislikes journal presentations decided that clearly, I was not scheduled to go again until next semester. Saturday night, Intaglio was getting his Halo on with MJ, one of my labmates. Out of nowhere, I suddenly got an uneasy feeling and over the hail of bullets, asked Intaglio to ask MJ whether or not I was scheduled anytime soon. I was. In two days. Whoo. I was pretty decidedly unthrilled.
2) Officially cancer free! The mole was dysplastic, not malignant, but they managed to get all of it off in one blow. I will have to go get yearly skin checks, but hey, that's fine by me. Finally, I can be free of all the queasy images of metastatic melanoma infiltrating brain tissue...at least for a little while.
3) Relatively slow week in the lab-after some drama with the AHIU SDYFDIUHGD!T@$#&*^%#!!! flow machine, my PI said that I could stick to ELISAs for the time being until we get the technical glitches worked out. More than fine by me. I'm making today and tomorrow a reading/writing day...so far I've cobbled together my epidemiology group's final presentation. After that, I'll work on my individual epidemiology project (1000 words, let's see how fast I can write the motherfucker up!), my PowerPoint ethics presentation next week, and my research article/abstract for mid-December (really, just the abstract is due, but it's uniquely hard to write an abstract if the rest of the paper is AWOL).
4) While I still undoubtedly waste too much time on the internet, I'm starting to slip back into healthy, relaxing habits. I've run a bit each morning this week (only 3-4 miles, I'll re-up the distance slowly). I'm getting back into reading for pleasure--I'm working through a book of Barbara Kingsolver essays, and after that I'm going to get started on John Dies at the End, which apparently is some kind of modern cult classic soon to be a movie apocalyptical something. And writing. Not fiction, but honestly, I do like writing papers. Last week, when I was cramming to get some semblance of a draft together before a meeting on Friday (which has to be completely re-written, incidentally), I found myself surprised to be enjoying it. Happy to be back in the third floor of Ebling, happy to be cobbling together something that had meaning, happy to be picking through sources, happy to be involved in something that I could make really, really good with only editing and research.
That's the thing about grad school right now--I feel that I try, I put in effort, I try to make it really, really good--and then I screw up in some non-obvious way, make a rookie mistake that I've never made before, or things just go to shit for no reason whatsoever. I have full agency when I write. I appreciate that.
5) So much more: My sister (IL-RN, now!) working full-time at a well-paying job she enjoys, a closely knit MSTPosse, RuPaul's Drag Race Allstars and the fact that Chad Michaels won, the fact that Gardein protein tastes so much like meat, the fact that I have an amazing partner who sticks with me thick and thin even as I'm fretting unproductively about weight, life goals, money, committment, etc., the fact that my parents are happy and in good health.
Life is good. I need to seek out the small bits of happiness available in almost everything
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